The Day I Worked As Meryl Streep’s Acting Coach

It’s Friday morning and my cell phone rings. Only today, it’s not my usual retro ring tone, but Johan Bach’s Prelude #1. I think to myself, “I don’t have even this ring tone. Who is this person with magical powers?” I answer in a state of confusion. “Hello?” The voice on the phone was pure symphony, “Hello Du, this is Meryl Streep, I’m calling to see if you were available today to be my acting coach?” I didn’t know how Meryl Streep found my number. The truth is, I needed the extra cash and why not spend a day with perhaps the most graceful and stunning woman ever.

An hour later, I arrived at her mansion where her puppies greeted me with the same enthusiasm of an Elvis impersonator at a Thai restaurant. I was swept inside by the mansion’s beauty and then I saw her. Meryl Streep was standing there wearing a white bathroom robe, but the way this woman wears a bathroom robe is how a regular woman wear a wedding dress. It was too much grace for me to handle and I fell down immediately from my standing position. Meryl hid her adorable face in her own hand and laughed like the girl next door. I fell again. “You’re too charming Meryl Streep.” Stop it. The Oscar winning actress sympathized with my troubles with gravity and ruffled her hair to take her beauty down a notch. Then finally, I could stand upright. Continue reading “The Day I Worked As Meryl Streep’s Acting Coach”


How Johnny Depp Made Me Beautiful

A Short Story by Du Kirpalani

Every four years, the movie star Johnny Depp gives back to his fans and selects one young man to mentor. Not to be an actor, singer, or canvas for tattoos, but to be ‘Beautiful’. I was lucky enough to be Johnny Depp’s second student. The previous man, I hear exploded from too much beauty and is now a distant planet.

It was a Tuesday morning. I arrived at his stunningly gorgeous villa. I walked towards the front door, my heart smiled like a Beverly Hills dentist. DING DONG. I rang the grandiose doorbell. Everything felt right, but there was no answer. Seven cigarettes later, I summoned the courage to ring the doorbell again. I press it ever so gently, as if I had any control over its volume. Thirty seven minutes later, I seriously needed the bathroom. This was getting a bit much. Perhaps the doorbell was being muffled by all the Handsome that was waiting for me inside.

My bladder couldn’t take it anymore. I turned around to look for a plant to triumphantly piss on, and there he was… Johnny Depp. He had been standing behind me in all his beauty the entire time. Now I’m not a man into men, however Johnny Depp is a classic beauty. If Johnny was a car, he’d make other cars feel beautiful just for driving in the lane beside him. His angelic face stared right though my soul and then in his poetic deep voice, he uttered, “Are you going to urinate in my garden?” Continue reading “How Johnny Depp Made Me Beautiful”

I sound smarter in Italian

A very friendly Italian lifestyle journalist for Milady, Rachele Caracciolo contacted me after reading ‘They Naughty Boy Who Saved Christmas.’ I was touched by her kind words and she was nice enough to ask me to do an interview. A week later, this is what I sound like when translated into Italian. And yes, I sound like an intellectual when you use google translator. Check it out here.