The day Nicolas Cage opened my mind to orgasms

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There it stood: the first and only beachfront house wearing a giant pair of sunglasses. From the corner of my ear, I heard Nicolas Cage singing opera from the arm pits of his lungs. The song probably had something to do with death, but Mr. Cage belted it out like a celebration of pasta. I waited as Mr. Moonstruck conducted himself like a maestro waving his fingers in the air right in front of my quizzical face. I didn’t think it was possible, but the actor right before me curved a smile bigger than his entire face. His bug eyes stared intensely at me and I immediately felt anxious and charmed at the same time. As his song of opera ended, Mr. Cage danced over and swung his arm around me like a big brother, “Woooo!” he yelled into my ear. “Thanks for responding to my craigslist ad and Continue reading

Email from Facebook and I can’t believe how quickly it escalates

Hi Du,

We wanted to let you know that messages are moving out of the Facebook app to our Messenger app, a free app that’s faster and more reliable for everyday messaging, but more importantly for us to keep track of shit. Soon, we’ll start guiding you to get started with Messenger, the app you’ve been refusing to install for reasons of common sense. I mean, why have two separate apps when one of them does more, right?! After a few days, you’ll also see an annoying reminder notice in the Facebook app (we hope it slows down your phone), where you’d normally see your messages. At that point, we’ll ask you to install Messenger or go to the Facebook website to view and send messages. So basically what we’re saying is, we got you hooked and now we own your ass. Install every app we tell you to, when we tell you to. Mofo. Don’t fuck with us because we have all your secrets. Thanks for your continued support and being a valued friend.

Thanks,
The Messenger Team
(Part of the very powerful Facebook mafia, you dumbass)

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