Email from Facebook and I can’t believe how quickly it escalates

Hi Du,

We wanted to let you know that messages are moving out of the Facebook app to our Messenger app, a free app that’s faster and more reliable for everyday messaging, but more importantly for us to keep track of shit. Soon, we’ll start guiding you to get started with Messenger, the app you’ve been refusing to install for reasons of common sense. I mean, why have two separate apps when one of them does more, right?! After a few days, you’ll also see an annoying reminder notice in the Facebook app (we hope it slows down your phone), where you’d normally see your messages. At that point, we’ll ask you to install Messenger or go to the Facebook website to view and send messages. So basically what we’re saying is, we got you hooked and now we own your ass. Install every app we tell you to, when we tell you to. Mofo. Don’t fuck with us because we have all your secrets. Thanks for your continued support and being a valued friend.

The Messenger Team
(Part of the very powerful Facebook mafia, you dumbass)


A simple way to understand team USA’s world cup standings

Just to break it down for you non-soccer fans. If USA beat Germany, it’s all good, UNLESSĀ Portugal beat Ghana and there are an even number of referees eating sandwiches off-side with their right hands. In that case, they are not going to the next round. Germany that is, unless Ghana lose to Portugal while not singing after eating peanut butter. Makes sense right? The two matches take place at the same time in the same country, but different stadiums, ‘cos this way, it’s not confusing for any of the players.